Track Six: Baby’s First Rodeo

as im finally writing this tell all, the balloon from the last shoot of this visual is still hanging out on my ceiling. it’s been FOUR WEEKS. what the fuck kind of helium do they have at dollar general? is it like super helium or something?

i have been struggling to push myself to complete this tell all. for some reason, this one still feels like a fresh wound, so by analyzing feelings and excavating words, i’m just irritating what’s trying to heal. the process of working on the visuals for this track was cathartic because it (gently) forced me to face some of these past issues that i was struggling to transmute. (this is now telling me that my self-imposed tell all deadlines and wavy wednesday consistency are entirely less forceful than the pressure of completing the visual album.) laying it out through planning and directing multiple shoots for the visual and being extremely intentional about the symbolism of props, colorgrading, acting, locations (within the new shoots), while still respecting my past, spur-of-the-moment ideas is a new practice for me.

i know people will think, “oh she's watching herself fight herself…” butttt it runs a little bit deeper than that...

baby’s first rodeo tells the story of a relationship in which each party innocently picks at each other (and themselves behind closed doors), until that innocence becomes something more nasty, cynical. ultimately, we're “doubles” because we're both players in the game, we've both come dressed to fight (so no wonder it turns out that way) and we both take from each other without giving back. additionally, it alludes to the fact we are one in the same, as well as the exchange of energy that occurs in any relationship- the merging and the mirroring. this visual shows my perspective on how i view this relationship now, looking back over a year later. because in the moment, it’s impossible to truly see things from a bird’s eye view. as my favorite real-time astrologer says, “detach and observe. The world sure looks different from 20,000 feet.”

my fav polaroid from this track

after nick asked me a few times what i wanted for the last few pics left and i got frustrated he didn’t know what he wanted an image of, i told him to get the pin pricking the balloon. and it ended up being my fav shot of all baby’s first rodeo polaroids.

sooo, the history…

i moved into a space that was originally completely hers so i was stuck trying to inject a little bit of myself into the already decorated walls. it never really felt like “my” home. or “our” home. even by the end it felt like we were divided to sides of the house or something.

this track was created in our shared studio. a few months before i moved out, i stumbled upon a generic blue cover sketchbook (you know, the kind literally every artist i know owns at least one of) on my coffee table on my side of the studio. i began to flip through to see who’s sketchbook it was, as the studio space was shared by four people. i was impressed by some cool design work, and realized who’s it was, and being that it was a sketchbook in a shared creative space, i continued to flip. the second or third page i stumbled upon was one i literally will not be able to forget. my jaw dropped when i began to read her different mental/mood disorders and personal issue diagnoses for her three housemates. the people she lived with and spent every day around. that’s not the type of writing i do, even when i’m upset with friends or roommates, and i certainly do not leave writing that i think could hurt anyone i love just lying around for them to accidentally find.

in that moment, my reaction showed me how much i really had grown. after i picked up my jaw from the floor, and my heart from the pit of my stomach, i closed the book, set it on her side of the studio on her table and deeply contemplated for a few weeks before i thought about bringing it up. i didn’t even tell my other roommates, i believe the first person i spoke about it to was my mom. i was silent and contemplative, but my pain desperately needed a outlet. so within those few weeks of contemplation, i wrote and recorded baby’s first rodeo.

i took a step out of my comfort zone with this track. the verse was actually freestyled, which is not a common practice for me. “skeletons in the closet, you forgot about them. they were there to greet me, now i know all of them” directly speaks on the cruel words i stumbled upon. and truly, this track only touches on this aspect of the pain from this whole relationship. there’s things i haven’t begun to process yet, because this hit me harder than i could’ve expected.

ironically, a month after i moved out, i received a text with a photo of a kind letter i had written to them. i saw this as an attempt at further manipulation and never replied. we have not spoken or even crossed paths since. i think of this tweet i saw earlier today, (there’s a theory called "the last meeting." once you and someone you were once close with have completed your journey together and learned the lessons you needed, the universe ensures you’ll never meet again. fate quietly closes the door, making sure you never look back.)

divine alignment is what made this visual what it was

originally booking the theatre of youth, my connect mike brooks informed me that because their season was starting, i would have to find a new stage/theatre. instead of that knocking me down, i shot even higher and reached out to zack boehler at the akg. he made a miracle happen to get myself and my team in there. the institution declined to be credited in the final video.

baby’s first rodeo was actaully the first track i decided to shoot visuals for. over a year ago, in late fall/early winter of 2023, i was pushed out of the nest. i don’t know if it was me who decided or if the decision was made for me but i needed to begin. but this beginning was naive and was based out of spite. the visual was “completed” and uploaded to youtube (privately) on january 14th 2024. (so version one completed and uploaded to youtube on january 14th, 2024… get this. the last shoot for this project, the seats and stage shoot at the akg, happened tuesday, january 14th, 2025. like pleaseeee, i told y’all the alignment is divine! especially when your heart is pure.) this privately uploaded version was used to apply for MAAF wave farm which i was then denied for (rejection email received in the parking lot of Hifi Hits, after inquiring about vinyl funding, which i was, ironically enough, also rejected for) (come to think of it, i was rejected A LOT of grants for Baby’s First, round one of the generator fund (i utilized as good application practice, but i literally am the grant’s coordinator, so complications made it impossible for me to be selected), MAAF wave farm, ASI’s 2024 creative impact fund, foundation for contemporary arts 2024 emergency grant) (and these are just Baby’s First rejections, not even amounting the other “unfortunatelys” and “we regret to inform yous” i’ve received over the past 2 years)

anyways, lets get back on track, late fall, early winter of 2023 and i see a power move from this roommate that upsets me. i decide to deal with it the only way i knew how- with the tools in my belt- to shoot about it. so me and san headed over to hickory urban sanctuary and filmed with the carousel horsey and then on the rooftop of a parking garage, and then finally ending with a nightcap shoot at bica. these shots are seen sporadically throughout the visual, as a way to honor those shoots, that past upset version of me, my prior ideas, and the ambitious creative who ventured out on this visual album journey with nothing to show for it yet.

at the first shoot, i didn’t even have my big i-type polaroid yet,

only my instax cam from high school. however, polaroids with a sonic release is nothing new to me, for my first ep .wavs in 2016, i posted a polaroid on instagram every day leading up to the release.

let’s dive into the symbolism of these newer shots and what they mean in this context.

because the original shoots felt so naive, i felt like i needed to return to when i really planned out all the visuals in my head, after i had already laid some groundwork. those bits are literally the FIRST bricks laid in the world i’ve been building. returning to this after letting it breathe is what it needed. going back to an original concept (not a hasty on the spot, “i need to shoot, so, let’s shoot” type of shoot, but a thought out, intentional, developed idea) i realized i needed a stage. the other pieces kind of fell into place. (that’s a lie. it took a lot of hard work. and im so very proud of the result.)

for these additional two shoots, they were polar opposites.

for the horse scene, i went back to my roots. it wasn’t just me and san, she couldn’t make it, but it was me, silas, isabelle, and daisy the horse. sooo, an extremely stripped back team, unprepared and not well planned shoot (yeah, my roots) but also synchronicities, divine timing, and the universe really looking out for me. my roots also include things just working out somehow, almost magically.

the second shoot? one of the biggest crews i think i’ve managed, the most prepared i’ve ever been for a shoot (i deadass had a document with crew list, production schedule, etc), the most i’ve told people about the origins and meaning behind the visuals, the craziest location score, and it went smoothly, ahead of schedule, beautiful shots, teamwork, and less overwhelming moments. 

there’s so many ways to get something done. and have a product you’re proud of. my advice? (not that you asked for it) but get out, and just fucking get it done.

i remember being like “ san, why did you take a pic no flash?” then after i realized san be knowing things, like how i be knowing things. like how things will turn out before they do. i’m still talking about polaroids… aren’t i?

i want to talk about some of the symbolism, versus just explaining how the shoots went down. this tell all is long already and my battery is running low for processing

the scene of me in the sea of seats? in the audience on my solo shit? that's my higher self watching it all go down from that bird’s eye view, wondering why present me is even engaging with or reacting. she knows more than i. because she doesn’t have to look back retrospectively to know these things, she just is.

pretty sure rick rubin said something similar in “the creative act: a way of being” but i’ve held this idea for longer than since i heard about the book, let alone read it. I see ideas as balloons floating above all of our heads. while its above you, that’s your opportunity to bring it to lifem and if you don’t pop it, it’s going to keep traveling for somebody else to release it and make it come alive. the symbolism of balloons in this visual, and how they’re on each players respective sides indicates that each player is full of their own ideas and after we fight, one player runs over to pop the others balloons, indicating that they’re taking their ideas. this goes back-and-forth in the sense that we each taking from each other, but not offering anything to each other. after this back-and-forth I decide decided not to show me popping the last balloon instead, you see me running towards the other player which then flips to a shot of the horse running in the same direction to showcase a different type of movement choosing to do something different, because the results of the previous choices weren’t what I wanted.

if you show up dressed ready to fight, you’re gonna fight. you’re setting yourself up for failure. that was our beginning, how we came into the relationship, both of us on guard ready to defend ourselves at any cost. that’s not how you grow closer with somebody. that’s not how you choose to have a fulfilling relationship. all it can lead to is disaster. 

orange assless chaps outfit made by irlbalaclava baby

coming back to this track, preparing it for release, has been insane. tying up the loose ends of this tell all while sitting where i used to sit with them many moons ago- except this space is something new now. lots of things are coming to a close, ending, and leaving me right now. i know deep down that its making room for greater, different things, but that doesn’t make the pain any less intense. just like it didn’t back then. maybe you’ll hear about my current troubles in a tell all years from now. maybe you won’t.

and the end result? well, go watch it.