Track Four: Word Soup
this tell all has some meat on it’s bones. bon appetit.
in late july of 2022, i received a text message from someone who i thought was my best friend at the time. in this message, they apologized for being distant and confessed to saying some mean things about me to other mutual friends of ours, claiming to feel remorse for what was said. i asked to talk more, in person, and they agreed. the last text that i sent was “okay well whenever you're ready, i’m here.”
cue to 2023, this message was marked as read on january 5th. (don’t ask me why i was still checking our text thread… i was hurt) so, after seeing that, i spared myself more pain and deleted the entire thread. we never spoke. i later heard, through the grapevine, that they were angry and felt like i was copying them. this led me to the conclusion that their insecurities mattered more than our friendship ever did.
present day, we frequently have run-ins at art openings or other local events. oftentimes, it’s when i am working, so while i’m required to be there, i’m just subjected to the presence of someone who’s eyes pass right over me, it’s like i don’t exist anymore. we’ve become strangers.
this song is a way for me to attempt to cope with the pain of being outright ghosted by someone i was once so close to. it’s one of my favorite songs on the album because of how necessary it was for me to write in order to continue onwards and upwards. it’s also my favorite to sing. I think Bran’s interpolation of the original beat has somehting to do with this. I asked Bran to take a youtube beat and make a new soundtrack with instruments that was sonically similar but presented a more rock vibe. he certainly delivered. I rerecorded all of my vocals to match the energy of the new production, and the whole song felt transformed.
so, when the band linked up to start the interpolation process, this is the song we started with. It made sense because the live instruments were already tracked out. this made the performances of this song extremely solid, because we had the most time to rehearse this one. i discovered a lot of new vocal pockets so the live version is a lot different from the recorded one.
“i think that it hurts worse, why can't you tell me what you said?”
deep down, i know i won’t ever hear the reasoning of all these cruel actions straight from the horse’s mouth. the creation and the performance of word soup continues to help me come to terms with that.
let’s talk about the visuals. there’s two scenes in this video, and they drastically differ from the original plans i had set out for this track. if you look at my first moodboard and descriptions for scenes, it would be a kitchen with a black and white tile floor, a red fridge, and actual word soup on the table (the table was round). ideas shift and change as time moves on and things fall into place as they should. this is the first time me and silas worked on a visual together. i remember being in chango and myself’s studio at hunt talking through ideas with silas and prepping to shoot.
scene one we shot at BICA in the empty project space. silas brought their projector and cool glass pieces and we made this cool light set. dana brought bagel and then it was a whole party. bagel is the bunny rabbit you see making a star appearance. best actor i’ve ever had the pleasure of working with. i frequently put out random calls on ig like “who has a bunny rabbit who wants to be a model” or “does anyone have an atv or a motorbike shoot ready?” and this is the type of thing that comes from it. I was so grateful to dana and bagel for joining me and silas to create something. i think making connections and making things is kinda the whole point of life.
scene two has my whole heart. it took time to ensure we picked a date that was a full moon, a time where the moon was in proper position for the shoot, to make sure everyone was free, and to get everything i needed. after that was decided, i aquired 100 candles, pilar and taper style, and we headed to buffalo lakeside commerce ship canal commons.
this set of (man-made) hills (actually mounds of toxic garbage) have a piece of my heart <3 there used to be a regular dance event that took place, generator and all, between those hills a few summers ago. it was one of my favorite events. people sitting and smoking on the hills, loud, good, dance music playing, the moon shining up above, and my feet, barefoot, becoming one with the grass between the mounds. it might be wise to mention, i made that barefoot decision before i knew that we were partying on top of toxic garbage… anyway. i have a connection to this space and wanted to shoot on top of the hills there. we ended up shooting in the very place i danced barefoot, in between the hills, as the wind redirected us, and for good reason too.
can’t believe word soup was one of the first few baby’s first video shoots! the first shoot was march 18th, 2024, and the second was march 25, 2024.
this shoot felt spiritual, under the full moon in a ring of 100 candles. (apparently, it was the worm moon and it was accompanied by a penumbral lunar eclipse.) i let go and let myself move how i used to in the same place years prior, and through this movement released fears and pain that have been lingering deep within. i think i mentioned in the last tell all, that there’s something i’ve learned throughout shooting this project- and this was one of the first few visuals shot, it happened before the album cover shoot, before my realization of this- and that something is awareness of the force of nature that pushes me to open up and share a different level of vulnerability. one that’s probably otherwise not possible without a camera in my face. ironic in a way. i remember thinking to myself at various shoots, like shoot as many polaroids as necessary, get as many takes as possible, because this set won’t happen again but neither will the moment. the vulnerable self that displays something for the camera, is only that same self for that one sliver of time.
